Fight to Go First

One lesson I have learned over more than five years of marriage is this: “Fight to go first.”

It is natural to want tasks to be shared equally. You might think, “Okay, I brought the kids to school this morning, so you can bring them tomorrow.” There is nothing wrong with this approach. Sometimes you need a break from a task, and sometimes you recognize that your partner needs one. But what I would encourage you to do is strive to be the one who offers help as often as you are able. Fight to go first.

Why? Goodwill with your partner comes with a credit limit. If you keep taking without giving back, your goodwill surplus will drop to zero, or worse, and you will soon find out what the opposite of “happy wife, happy life” feels like.

You want to build up your partner’s goodwill bank well before you actually need it. If you are able to complete a task today, do it. Tomorrow you might have an important work deadline or a meeting where you really need that morning drop-off time back.

What you do not want is your partner counting tasks and comparing their tally to yours. Once that happens, you are already in a tough spot: your partner feels like you aren’t contributing enough. Instead, you want your partner to feel like you regularly contribute to the household chores.

You reach that point by depositing into your partner’s goodwill bank as often as you can afford to. Then, if a crunch week comes up and you need to drop your share of household chores below 50%, it is easier for your partner to feel okay picking up the extra weight. That is much easier when they know you have been willing to do the same for them.

Don’t wait for your partner to ask. Give as often as you are able.

When your partner sees that you are proactively trying to take things off their plate, it becomes easier to ask for help when yours is overflowing.